Let’s move on to Congress because people say that Congress never gets anything done. But yesterday, yesterday, they got more nothing done than I have ever seen before. First, Attorney General Jeff Sessions flew in from the North Pole to explain to the House Judiciary Committee why his memory is perfect, except when it comes to remembering Russians.

He couldn’t remember them at all. And maybe this is why Sessions wants to keep Confederate statues, you know? It’s the only way he can remember what happened. Like, they should put up a statue of Putin in D.C., and then maybe he’ll be like, “Oh, yeah. I was colluding with that guy. Oh, yeah.” And then, then, out of nowhere, it came out that the Senate Republicans’ tax plan will now include repealing Obamacare’s individual mandate.

Which would mean 13 million fewer Americans having health insurance? You got to admit, this is super sneaky. Like, they couldn’t repeal Obama care out right, so now they’re just gonna try and Bill Cosby it, you know?. They just slip it into something else so that America wakes up the next day, like, “Wait. What the hell happened to our healthcare?” It’s like, “Oh, I took the health care out of the plan, and now you’re gonna die”.

Now, while all of this was happening, over in a different Senate room, they were trying to figure out how to baby-proof America’s nuclear arsenal. For the first time in more than 40 years, the Senate began considering limits on a president’s unchecked powers to launch a nuclear strike. NEWSMAN: Republican Senator Bob Corker. Who previously has called the Trump White House an adult day care center and questioned the president’s fitness for office, he and his Senate Foreign Relations Committee held a hearing on the president’s sole authority to order a nuclear strike.

Bob Corker, come on, you are such a troll. Come on. He came out and said Donald Trump’s White House is adult day care. Now he’s like, “Oh, this has nothing to do with Trump. This is nothing. “Oh, you thought my hearing was about Trump? No, no. “Oh, wait, now that you mention it, “I guess he is president. “I didn’t even think about that until now. I didn’t put that together.”

Because of course, it’s about Trump. Come on. He drops nuclear threats all the time. Remember this? We will have no choice but to totally destroy North Korea. Yeah. That dude has the impulse control of the first kid to die in the Wonka factory tour. That’s why they’re having these meetings. And if you’re looking for some reassurance about President Augustus Gloop, there is some good news.

The system is not a button that the president can accidentally lean on… against in… on the desk and immediately cause missiles to fly, as some people in the public, I think, are… fear it would be. Oh, it’s funny that you have to say that. “Don’t worry, don’t worry, it can’t happen if he leans on it.” ‘Cause we know he will. “It won’t happen. It won’t happen. There’s no need to panic.”

There is no need to panic. The process of launching a nuclear weapon has been idiot-proofed. All right? It’s just on the off chance that America ever elects an idiot president. Unlikely. But still. The problem is, it won’t be accidental stupidity that causes Trump to end the world. But it could definitely still be his on-purpose craziness. You know? Like, he could launch this whenever he likes. Because right now, all Trump needs to do is open the nuclear briefcase, punch in his launch codes, and it’s bombs away. And it doesn’t help that the briefcase is called the “nuclear football.” ‘Cause you know how Trump gets around football. Like, that should be the first step: change the name to the “nuclear chessboard.” Right? And then Trump will be like, “Is that the game with the horses?

I’m out. I’m out. I don’t like it.” And, now, look, I’m not one of those people who just talks, I’m about action, all right? That’s why during my lunch break, I decided to custom-build something. All right? I decided to custom-build this nuclear briefcase. Just for the president. All right? And basically, what this does is make sure that Donald Trump doesn’t launch a missile without working hard.

First, before launching, he has to send a tweet. He has to send a tweet about the launch with no spelling errors whatsoever. If successful that activates this keypad over here where the president has to put in Eric’s birthday. And, I mean he has a one-in-365 chance of getting it right? And then finally, just to make sure that it’s really him, he has to scan his tax returns right over here.

Just to make sure it’s him. Tax returns go in there. And you know at that point, Trump’s gonna be like, “You know what, folks, I can’t blow up North Korea, “because my lawyer says I’m under audit, folks. “So I guess it’s diplomacy. Kim Jong, you look nice.” He’s got to want it, that’s all I’m saying.