Month: November 2017

The Battle for the Republican Party

A senator in open revolt against the president from his own party. And not just disagreeing with him. Corker is saying that the president of the United States is incompetent, and cannot be trusted in the Oval Office. Or near electrical outlets. And Corker wasn’t even the only GOP senator to speak up yesterday. What he said in 140 characters, Arizona Senator Jeff Flake expanded on old-school style.

There are times when we must risk our careers in favor of our principles. Now is such a time. We must stop pretending that the degradation of our politics and the conduct of some in our executive branch are normal. We must never regard as normal the regular and casual undermining of our democratic norms and ideals. The personal attacks, the threats against principles, the flagrant disregard for truth and decency, they are not normal. I will not be complicit or silent.

To that end, I am announcing today that my service in the Senate will conclude at the end of my term in early January, 2019. Now, I know that doesn’t seem flashy, because we’re so used to living with Trump. But that was definitely a slam, right? A senatorial slam. Like, you don’t do a mic drop after that, you just gently lay the mic in a coffin. So, that’s two deeply conservative Republican senators who won’t run for re-election next year denouncing Trump, bigly.

Now, on the one hand, could you argue that if Corker and Flake really believed America’s democracy was under threat, they should stay and fight. On the other hand, you have to admit there’s a freedom that comes from saying that you quit, because now they can oppose Trump without fear that it’ll hurt their political careers, right? It’s like once you put in your two week’s notice.

You can do whatever you want. Now you’re that guy at Jamba Juice spitting in all the juice. And by the way, they didn’t give two weeks notice, they gave 15 months notice. 15 months. So now they’re gonna be spitting in Trump’s Jamba Juice for the next year. What, did you say you want protein or pee? I put both, I don’t know, whatever.

And listen these aren’t the only Republicans who are causing trouble in the ranks, right? You’ve also got Senators McCain, Murkowski and Collins, who’ve rebelled against Trump in some way. So right now the Republican party is not having a good time. They’re not having a good time. And there’s one man who’s enjoying it more than most. Former White House advisor and real-life Halloween costume Steve Bannon.

REPORTER: Breitbart hailing the news of Flake’s retirement with the headline “Winning: Flake Out.” Steve Bannon’s reaction, according to a source close to the former Trump strategist: “Another day, another scalp.” Wow. I’m not surprised – Steve Bannon loves collecting scalps. I mean, he does seem like the kind of person who they’ll catch wearing someone else’s skin.

He just seems like that type. You see, Bannon wants all Republicans who go against Trump to quit, so that he can replace them with Trump loyalists. That’s really what he wants. In fact, Bannon even said he plans to challenge every single Republican politician except Ted Cruz. Which is so sad for Ted Cruz. He even gets left out of threats. Out of threats. I feel like, even in a hostage situation, the kidnappers would be like, “Everybody in here’s a hostage! “Everybody, Except Ted Cruz. Ted Cruz, go. Go. Get out, get out.” Even the cops would be like, “Send out the hostag. “You keep Ted Cruz. We’ll give you everything if you keep Ted Cruz.” But look, here-here’s the importance of what Corker and Flake have done.

They’ve shown that there are Republicans who are starting to see the realities of the Donald Trump presidency, right? Because even though they may agree with Trump on his legislative agenda, they are now publicly acknowledging the danger of everything else that this man stands for. Which includes pathological lying, discarding diplomacy, encouraging white supremacy and undermining the rule of law and the institutions of democracy.

So you may not like Flake or Corker for their overall politics. I understand that. But think of it like this, think of it like this. In the crime epic that is the Trump administration, they’re basically like drug dealers who are trying to flip on the kingpin who’s clearly gone too far. That’s what they’re doing. They’re like, “I can’t do this, I got to get out.”

And others could follow. In fact, Corker has said that “the vast majority of our caucus understands what we’re dealing with here.” So this is not easy for them. And I think we should encourage all Republicans against Trump to come out. Yeah, all of them. Except Ted Cruz. So, for all you Republicans who are afraid to speak up, we made this for you. My name’s Michael Costa, and I used to deal Trump.

I’m not proud of it, but it’s the truth. When I started, I didn’t think it was a big deal. I mean, I was in it for the tax cuts. You know, who doesn’t want to get paid? But then I saw what Trump did to my community and I got out. Was I scared? I don’t want Steve Bannon wearing my face. But I’m glad I left. So if you’re a Republican and you’re looking to stop dealing Trump, call the number below.

We can help you get out. Someone’s calling right now. Hello? Oh, Hi, Senator Rubio.This is totally anonymous. Tell me your story. Michael Kosta, everybody.

So Much Winning for Democrats on Election Day 2017

The night’s marquee race was in Virginia where Democrat Ralph Northam defeated Republican Ed Gillespie for governor. And, President Trump was not taking it well. WOMAN: Traveling in South Korea, the president, who endorsed Gillespie, but did not campaign for him, offering this criticism of the campaign overnight, tweeting, “Ed Gillespie worked hard, but did not embrace me or what I stand for.”

Trump does not play games with how fast he will abandon you. Like, he just quit the guy out of nowhere. I bet you, one day when the U.S. economy crashes, Trump’s gonna be like, “What a loser economy. I’ve never even heard of America”. “I’m from Sweden. Guten Tag”. And as much as Trump wants people to believe Gillespie lost because he didn’t embrace Trump’s worldview, the truth is, Gillespie did everything but grab someone by the pussy.

Just look at some Gillespie campaign ads. MAN: Ralph Northam wants to take down Virginia’s Civil War monuments. Ed Gillespie will preserve them. I’m for keeping ’em up, and he’s for taking ’em town. WOMAN: Ralph Northam voted in favor of sanctuary cities that let dangerous illegal immigrants back on the street, increasing the threat of MS-13.

If I’m elected Virginia’s governor, I’ll fight to make it legal for adult individuals to be free to purchase fireworks like this. And we can celebrate Independence Day -in true American fashion. I mean, you laugh, but that was his most successful run this year. AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Oh! Oh! I love how he’s like, “I don’t know why the government is trying “to restrict us from these fireworks.

But when you look at the bigger picture, you know who really won big in last night’s elections? Karma. Yes, Karma – the spiritual principle that the universe will reward good actions and punish bad ones. Sort of like this. So, last night, that basically happened all across America. Incumbents were defeated by the very thing they were being dicks about. For instance, in New Jersey.

WOMAN: Ashley Bennett unseated John Carman as a Freeholder in Atlantic County. You may remember Carman mocked the Women’s March in Washington. He wrote on Facebook, “Will the Women’s March be over -in time for them to cook dinner?” Bennett protested his comments at a meeting, and then decided to run for his seat, and she won.Carman, meet Karma.

He was worried about women having time to make dinner, and now Karma has given him all the time he needs -to make his own dinner. Enjoy your Hot Pockets, be-itch. Karma was all over America. In Helena, Montana, the mayor, who did not want to host refugees in his city, lost his re-election bid to a Liberian refugee. So enjoy your Hot Pockets, be-itch. Sorry. My mom said I should work on a catchphrase so I’m trying it out.

But Karma’s greatest achievement surely came in last night’s race for the 13th District in the Virginia House of Delegates. MAN: Danica Roem making history in Virginia. The 33-year-old former journalist elected as the nation’s first openly transgender state lawmaker. She defeats 13-term incumbent Robert Marshall, who proclaimed himself Virginia’s “chief homophobe.” Wow. Really? Chief homophobe.

Not only is that insulting to gay people, it’s also insulting to other homophobes. You don’t own the movement, bro. It’s a democracy. And when you put it all together– the Democratic landslides, the victories for refugees, trans people, people of color – it was a horrible night for people like Sean Hannity.

Which you can tell by how much time he spent covering all of the results on his hour-long show. Sean Hannity next. Our coverage continues throughout the night. Hey, Sean. -All right, thanks, Tucker. By the way, those results in Virginia, New Jersey, New York, by the way, not states Donald Trump won. Welcome to Hannity. President Trump is in Seoul. He is in South Korea.

Five seconds, that’s all the time you gave to reporting that news, five seconds? That’s not enough time to cook your Hot Pockets, beyatch. It’s working, Mom! You know how Sean Hannity did that? He just threw it out there – he delivered that line like a guy who spilled mayonnaise on his pants before he got to work, and now he just walks in the office like, “Morning, everyone. I know I’ve got mayonnaise on my pants. “Let’s get to work. Let’s go on. Let’s move on. Any questions? Not about the mayonnaise. Let’s move on.”

Trump-Proofing America’s Nukes

Let’s move on to Congress because people say that Congress never gets anything done. But yesterday, yesterday, they got more nothing done than I have ever seen before. First, Attorney General Jeff Sessions flew in from the North Pole to explain to the House Judiciary Committee why his memory is perfect, except when it comes to remembering Russians.

He couldn’t remember them at all. And maybe this is why Sessions wants to keep Confederate statues, you know? It’s the only way he can remember what happened. Like, they should put up a statue of Putin in D.C., and then maybe he’ll be like, “Oh, yeah. I was colluding with that guy. Oh, yeah.” And then, then, out of nowhere, it came out that the Senate Republicans’ tax plan will now include repealing Obamacare’s individual mandate.

Which would mean 13 million fewer Americans having health insurance? You got to admit, this is super sneaky. Like, they couldn’t repeal Obama care out right, so now they’re just gonna try and Bill Cosby it, you know?. They just slip it into something else so that America wakes up the next day, like, “Wait. What the hell happened to our healthcare?” It’s like, “Oh, I took the health care out of the plan, and now you’re gonna die”.

Now, while all of this was happening, over in a different Senate room, they were trying to figure out how to baby-proof America’s nuclear arsenal. For the first time in more than 40 years, the Senate began considering limits on a president’s unchecked powers to launch a nuclear strike. NEWSMAN: Republican Senator Bob Corker. Who previously has called the Trump White House an adult day care center and questioned the president’s fitness for office, he and his Senate Foreign Relations Committee held a hearing on the president’s sole authority to order a nuclear strike.

Bob Corker, come on, you are such a troll. Come on. He came out and said Donald Trump’s White House is adult day care. Now he’s like, “Oh, this has nothing to do with Trump. This is nothing. “Oh, you thought my hearing was about Trump? No, no. “Oh, wait, now that you mention it, “I guess he is president. “I didn’t even think about that until now. I didn’t put that together.”

Because of course, it’s about Trump. Come on. He drops nuclear threats all the time. Remember this? We will have no choice but to totally destroy North Korea. Yeah. That dude has the impulse control of the first kid to die in the Wonka factory tour. That’s why they’re having these meetings. And if you’re looking for some reassurance about President Augustus Gloop, there is some good news.

The system is not a button that the president can accidentally lean on… against in… on the desk and immediately cause missiles to fly, as some people in the public, I think, are… fear it would be. Oh, it’s funny that you have to say that. “Don’t worry, don’t worry, it can’t happen if he leans on it.” ‘Cause we know he will. “It won’t happen. It won’t happen. There’s no need to panic.”

There is no need to panic. The process of launching a nuclear weapon has been idiot-proofed. All right? It’s just on the off chance that America ever elects an idiot president. Unlikely. But still. The problem is, it won’t be accidental stupidity that causes Trump to end the world. But it could definitely still be his on-purpose craziness. You know? Like, he could launch this whenever he likes. Because right now, all Trump needs to do is open the nuclear briefcase, punch in his launch codes, and it’s bombs away. And it doesn’t help that the briefcase is called the “nuclear football.” ‘Cause you know how Trump gets around football. Like, that should be the first step: change the name to the “nuclear chessboard.” Right? And then Trump will be like, “Is that the game with the horses?

I’m out. I’m out. I don’t like it.” And, now, look, I’m not one of those people who just talks, I’m about action, all right? That’s why during my lunch break, I decided to custom-build something. All right? I decided to custom-build this nuclear briefcase. Just for the president. All right? And basically, what this does is make sure that Donald Trump doesn’t launch a missile without working hard.

First, before launching, he has to send a tweet. He has to send a tweet about the launch with no spelling errors whatsoever. If successful that activates this keypad over here where the president has to put in Eric’s birthday. And, I mean he has a one-in-365 chance of getting it right? And then finally, just to make sure that it’s really him, he has to scan his tax returns right over here.

Just to make sure it’s him. Tax returns go in there. And you know at that point, Trump’s gonna be like, “You know what, folks, I can’t blow up North Korea, “because my lawyer says I’m under audit, folks. “So I guess it’s diplomacy. Kim Jong, you look nice.” He’s got to want it, that’s all I’m saying.

Turmoil in the Trump Administration

The new communications director, Anthony Scaramucci, hasn’t even been here a week, and already he has his own scandal. Anthony Scaramucci has blown his own lid in an interview with Ryan Lizza filled with expletives that is unbelievable. Bombshell conversation in which The White House communications director launches a profane attack.

 

He attacks, in very vulgar terms, Reince Priebus and Steve Bannon. You’re damn right it’s vulgar. Scaramucci just came in and set fire to Reince Priebus and Steve Bannon. He burnt them like a hoverboard, people. Now, we can’t go through all of the interviews because it will break our bleep machine, but here’s one thing White House communications director Scaramucci said about White House chief of staff, aka Scaramucci’s boss, Reince Priebus.

He said, “Reince is a paranoid schizophrenic, a paranoiac.” Which, honestly, I don’t blame Reince for. Anyone working for Donald Trump would get that way. It’s like being Hannibal Lecter’s chef. It’s only a matter of time. It’s only a matter of time. It’s only a matter of time. It’s only a matter of time. But here’s my favorite part. Here’s my favorite part. When the interviewer asked Scaramucci about whether he likes media attention, he says, “I’m not Steve Bannon.

I’m not trying to suck my own. Now, first off, just looking at Bannon, I don’t think that’s physically possible. Second, I feel like if that were true, Steve Bannon would be a lot more chilled out. Like, I didn’t even know it was possible to drain your own swamp. This is just insane. I’m not gonna lie, people. I love Scaramucci already. He’s cussing out all these coworkers, you know.

That’s what you do when you quit, not when you start. Or maybe he just… he just does things the opposite way. So, when he leaves The White House, he’s gonna be like, “Hi. I’m Anthony. Nice to work with you, Reince. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.” You know what this feels like for me? I feel like I was sad because Spicer left. It was a breakup, right? And we were like, “Aw, Spicer, we’ll-we’ll never get over you, and who will take?” And then, Scaramucci walked in, and we’re like, “Goddamn!”.

“We’re moving on, baby. We’re moving on.” I’m telling you guys, this White House. You can’t get this big a show at 3:00 a.m. in Berlin. But let’s move on. Let’s move on. I’ve said this before, and this probably won’t be the last time. The only force on Earth powerful enough to stop Donald Trump may be Donald Trump. Ironic, you say? Perhaps! But this week, we saw it again big with a series of self-inflicted wounds that showed crystal clear that El Presidente doesn’t give an orange rat’s ass about whether the rule of law or the conservative agenda prized by his fellow Republicans comes to fruition.

And he did it by picking on one of the people you’d think would be closest to him. MAN: President Trump blasts his own attorney general, steaming over Jeff Sessions’ recusal from the Russia investigation. WOMAN: Taking aim once again at Attorney General Jeff Sessions on Twitter. Attacking Attorney General Jeff Sessions as weak. MAN: The president refusing to say if he’ll fire his earliest and most loyal supporter.

But I am disappointed in the attorney general. If he was going to recuse himself, he should have told me prior to taking office, and I would have, quite simply, picked somebody else. If you knew in advance what Jeff Sessions would do, you would have picked someone else. Now you know how America feels about your presidency. We all understand. Donald Trump’s anger makes no sense.

Sessions had to recuse himself from an investigation into the Trump campaign because he was part of the Trump campaign. You can’t investigate yourself. It’s one of those things that’s best done by another person like surgery or haircuts. Oh, you did it yourself? I can tell, I can tell. Yeah. Now, you may be thinking, “Why is Trump so upset with Sessions now?” I mean, his recusal was back in March. Maybe it’s because Trump’s just gotten to the Jeff Sessions episodes on his DVR.

Maybe it’s because the man investigating the Russia scandal, Bob Mueller, has his hand on the thermostat and he’s turning it way up. The special counsel is now looking into the Trump business empire in the investigation of Russian meddling in the U.S. election. NEWSMAN: Trump has been fuming about the probe in recent weeks, as he has been informed about the legal questions that he and his family could face.

He’s told aides he was especially disturbed after learning Mueller would be able to access several years of his tax returns. Why is Trump so scared of people seeing his tax returns? Like, I’m-I’m genuinely flabbergasted. I’m going like, what are you afraid of? What could be worse than what we already know about him? What could be worse? Did he claim himself as Putin’s dependent?

What is in the tax returns? I don’t even know what it could be. Like, did he list his birthplace on there, and it’s actually Kenya, is that what it is? And he’s like, “That’s how I know. “We grew up together, folks. We were like brothers.” And before we go on, let’s just sit in this for a minute. As attorney general, Sessions is supposed to enforce the rules of the country. Trump wants him only to enforce the rules of Trump.

That’s not a president. That’s a king. And America doesn’t do kings. It’s why they’ve reduced them to flipping burgers. That guy, when he came here, he was very confident, very confident. He was like, “I’m here to rule,” and they were like, “Yo, you’re gonna rule this grill, mother. Now, get cookin’.” And as the week went on, Trump was hitting Sessions harder and harder. NEWSMAN: The president now questioning the reason Sessions backed him, citing his campaign crowds, in a new Wall Street Journal interview.

“He was a senator from Alabama “he looks at 40,000 people and he probably says, “‘What do I have to lose?’ “And he endorsed me. “So it’s not like a great, loyal thing about the endorsement.”. When Trump drops you, he drops you hard, man. He just, like, throws the loyalty away. If you jumped on a grenade for Trump, he’d be like, “He just did that because he wanted “a set of those cool robot legs.

“Guy’s a total showboat. Very sad. Totally sad, folks.” So, because Sessions can’t protect Trump from Mueller, Trump now wants to get rid of Sessions. The only problem is, the tiny man has big friends. NEWSWOMAN: The message from Hill Republicans to Trump– firing Sessions would be a mistake. I think the attorney general’s doing a fine job, and I think he made the right decision to recuse himself.

He is not the president’s personal lawyer. He’s the attorney general of the United States. He took an oath to the Constitution, not to the president. He doesn’t work for the president, he works for a blindfolded woman holding a set of scales. If Jeff Sessions is fired, there will be holy hell to pay. The presidency isn’t a bull, and this country isn’t a china shop. Well, actually, this country is a China shop.

America buys everything from China. I bet if you turned the actual continent over, it would say “Made in China.” It sort of is. But I get what you’re saying, I get what you’re saying. And you see those Republicans supporting Sessions? They’re explaining what Donald Trump has forgotten. On a purely political level, Sessions is exactly the wrong guy for Trump to mess with.

And not because he’s so powerful, but because of what he represents. Before Sessions joined his campaign, Trump was a joke in Washington. Sessions didn’t just bring his cookies to the campaign, he brought credibility. Jeff Sessions, who is legendary

TV REPORTER: Yeah. on immigration, has now endorsed Trump.

TV REPORTER: The first sitting senator to get behind the billionaire’s campaign. TV REPORTER: As you get more establishment Republicans, it becomes more and more his nomination. Yeah. In other words, Jeff Sessions did for Donald Trump what Dr. Dre did for Eminem. He was like, “Trust me, this crazy-ass white guy is the real deal, just trust me.”